I lost Jean-Luc a little over two weeks ago. My big hearted and vocal fur-child died just hours after I brought him to the vet. I kind of knew it would happen--I knew as I held his body and patted his head, and wondered just why his health deteriorated so quickly from my "bubba" to an emaciated and unresponsive creature within the space of a week.
JL loved for me to rub his fuzzy tummy, and he would put his front paw over his ear while I did so. He was never one to let me hold him, but he loved me without a doubt.
oliver had developed an upper respiratory infection which healed with no trouble, and then JL had it. But no one, especially myself, could predict the outcome with him: perhaps a condition brewed just under the radar with him--the combination was just too much for him to handle. And so I lost Jean-Luc, with nothing left in me this time to console me.
Garibaldi in June, Jean-Luc just seven months later. I am finding it too much to handle, with my fur-kids, like dominoes falling, one at a time, with me hopelessly watching as they leave me. And now there are two. The little one, Delenn, last of those I brought home with me, now 14, and Oliver, at about 6--there is just such resignation in me to be on the verge of giving up, just so I don't need to see any more of them die before me. The pain and grief are terrible, and I just want to not feel this aching anymore.
One of the problems I have is that I love too much, too deeply, and can't just let go, even though I should. I also fear the reality that my mom is as close to death as well, and know I face the reality that she, too, will leave me soon.
I haven't got the religious faith to see me through, and there is a bleakness in front of me that watches as everyone I love and care for topples and dies. I've cried myself out, and I look at a tomorrow rife with sadness and lack of love--where do I go if there is nothing in front of me?
Too much death, too much abandonment, too much fear and sadness. I can only move forward a day at a time. Make no plans for the uncertain days ahead--there is no sense in long-term goals or dreams. I'm reminded every day of my own--and others'--mortality.
I get so tired of life, so very tired. And yet I move on, eyes glazed over, stunned at the devastation and looking for a way around it. But it does no good--we live and we die, and it becomes a race to see if we can outlive it all. I take no joy or consolation in reaching the finish line, because everyone I love is gone before the end of the line.
I have memories of course, but memories can't be physically held, or loved, or cared for, and in that end, there is nothing quite so tenuous to hold fast as a memory, half forgotten and half lost in time.
If there is any justice, my own world will close before I see any more death, feel regret, or know unending pain again.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My mom
taught me a lot of what I know, and I will give you some highlights about growing up with her.
1. Authority figures, but mostly police: Don't trust them--in fact, call them swear words when they're not looking. This is true--my mom doesn't have a lot of patience wirh police.
2. Unmarried adults: "Shack up with them for a couple of years to see what living with them is like, and go from there."
3. Get a lot of experience in different skills, so you will always have something to fall back on. And if the company has three shifts, choose graveyard because you don't have as many distractions.
4. Be your own person. Don't count on others if you can handle something, go it alone. Then there is no one but yourself to blame, regardless of the outcome.
5. Don't take the first job you are offered. You might look at it as good luck, but the truth is, they're low-balling you right out of the gate. Unless you are starving, such offers could stand some negotiation.
6. Get fees for some services or under the table pay upfront if possible. Never be afraid to say something if you feel uneasy with a current situation.
7. Ask for an estimate for repairs or such and make them stick to their estimates.
8. The wife or mother has full control in all domestic scenarios. Husbands or fathers will only blow the wad if they had it.
9. Go out on Friday nights, It doesn't matter where, just that you break up the monotony at home.
10. Travel. It's great to go someplace new, and if you plan it right, you will have a lot of fun. Why stay at a huge hotel, when it's more fun to stay at a B&B or a pension instead--and cheaper, usually. You won't meet locals if you're bound for that expensive hotel with too many gauche Americans--if you can, grab a room near the bathroom at least!
11. Live without hesitation, but pick your future with caution. Live without interfering with others snd their agenda, just as you hope they will do the same for you.
12. Love--if you have an abundance of it, give some to everyone; if you don't have a lot, give others what you do have. You'll get it back, threefold. And just as important, receive love as well. Everyone can love and be loved, but you need to know when the time comes to share it.
That should do it. :)
1. Authority figures, but mostly police: Don't trust them--in fact, call them swear words when they're not looking. This is true--my mom doesn't have a lot of patience wirh police.
2. Unmarried adults: "Shack up with them for a couple of years to see what living with them is like, and go from there."
3. Get a lot of experience in different skills, so you will always have something to fall back on. And if the company has three shifts, choose graveyard because you don't have as many distractions.
4. Be your own person. Don't count on others if you can handle something, go it alone. Then there is no one but yourself to blame, regardless of the outcome.
5. Don't take the first job you are offered. You might look at it as good luck, but the truth is, they're low-balling you right out of the gate. Unless you are starving, such offers could stand some negotiation.
6. Get fees for some services or under the table pay upfront if possible. Never be afraid to say something if you feel uneasy with a current situation.
7. Ask for an estimate for repairs or such and make them stick to their estimates.
8. The wife or mother has full control in all domestic scenarios. Husbands or fathers will only blow the wad if they had it.
9. Go out on Friday nights, It doesn't matter where, just that you break up the monotony at home.
10. Travel. It's great to go someplace new, and if you plan it right, you will have a lot of fun. Why stay at a huge hotel, when it's more fun to stay at a B&B or a pension instead--and cheaper, usually. You won't meet locals if you're bound for that expensive hotel with too many gauche Americans--if you can, grab a room near the bathroom at least!
11. Live without hesitation, but pick your future with caution. Live without interfering with others snd their agenda, just as you hope they will do the same for you.
12. Love--if you have an abundance of it, give some to everyone; if you don't have a lot, give others what you do have. You'll get it back, threefold. And just as important, receive love as well. Everyone can love and be loved, but you need to know when the time comes to share it.
That should do it. :)
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